You’re Doing It Wrong

The things you’re doing that are making other drivers incredibly angry with you

We all make mistakes from time to time. It only becomes a problem when you keep making the same mistake over and over again and other people see you doing it, they assume it’s okay to do and follow in your poorly considered footsteps. If you’re driving in the DC Metro area, you have undoubtedly been annoyed by some jerk doing one of the things listed below. In our never-ending effort to prevent road rage and pulling out our own hair while driving, we’ve compiled a list of stuff you’re doing wrong. Hopefully, you’ll knock it off before you kill someone.

If you notice the hint of annoyance in this blog, it’s because bad drivers are making everyone angry with their poor skills. The mere memory of encountering these drivers enrages us all, myself included. Why must every trip down Route 7 become the worst game of Mario Kart ever played? I just wanted to go to the mall and forgot that there would be at least 5 attempts on my life made by other idiots who can’t drive…

Slowing Down on the On-Ramp

The On-Ramp Exists So You Can Speed Up – To Match The Traffic Already on the Highway…

Ever been trying to get on 495 or 66 and the jerk in front of you has slowed down to 25mph? Surely, this is someone from some far flung place because no one in the DMV area would do such a silly thing… This driver is clearly not aware that he is merging onto a highway where everyone is going at least 10mph above the 55 speed limit, or the driver is a moron. If this is you, you are a moron and you are going to get someone killed. The on-ramp exists so that you can gain speed, in order to properly merge into the traffic that is already moving at speed. By slowing down, you are putting yourself at serious risk of an accident as well as serious risk of incurring multiple middle fingers from those stuck behind your non-driving behind. Speed up, not down, and merge into traffic like everyone else. If you’re afraid, you aren’t prepared to drive on the highway and are an even worse risk to everyone around you. Go home.

The Left Lane is for Passing ONLY

You are embarrassing us in front of the out of state drivers…

Did you know that the left lane is not for driving in? It’s actually a passing lane. It exists solely for the purpose of passing other cars. If you’re doing the speed limit, matching the other drivers around you and in no particular need to pass other cars: GET OVER! You are blocking the flow of traffic, embarrassing yourself and you’re pissing everyone off. The guy flashing his high beams at you isn’t trying to get your phone number, he’s telling you to move your hind-end to the right, where you belong.

Not only are you making everyone shout obscenities, you are also breaking Virginia law. Virginia passed a law that forbids driving too slowly in the left lane on all Virginia roads with more than one lane. “You should only be in the left hand lane when you are passing or overtaking another vehicle,” a Virginia State Police First Sgt. said. If he finds you doing it, you’re getting a $100 fine (plus court fees) for the first offense, only because the court system doesn’t allow us to give you a swift kick to the backside.

You May NOT Switch Lanes in an Intersection

See that big open space in the middle? We call it the intersection, you have to STAY IN YOUR LANE if you’re going straight through it.

This is called an intersection. It is one of the least safe places to be in general because many accidents occur in intersections. If you’re going straight through it, do not change lanes in the middle of it. Its illegal because the people making a right turn into the intersection are not expecting you to randomly change into their lane, because that would be a stupid thing to do. Yet, here we are. The DC Metro area is full of people who do this without even thinking about it. Thinking, its the key to driving safely and staying alive.

When you do stupid things like this, people will honk at you, they will make rude gestures and generally hate that you exist. Do you want to be hated? Are you doing this on purpose? Perhaps you just didn’t know. That’s what we are here for, to tell you not to be stupid, stupid.

Turning into the Wrong Lane

We thought this was common knowledge. We are big enough to admit when we’re wrong…

I have traveled far and wide, across this great nation and to many other nations abroad. This particular problem is localized to DC, Maryland and Virginia. I have genuinely never seen it anywhere else. Drive 60 miles in any direction away from the DMV and this problem just disappears. So I’m talking to you, the people who live here and cannot seem to turn into the correct lane.

There are multiple places around here where there are two turn lanes. The car on the innermost lane must turn into the innermost lane, while the car on the outer lane should turn into the outer lane. It is basic, it is easy and it is obvious. If you fail in this basic task, the car in the other lane is going to smash into you and while you deserve this punishment for your personal abject failures, the other driver doesn’t. Let’s save everyone the headache and just turn into the lane you belong in.

Right of Way while Backing Out (Parking Lot)

Who has the right of way? Ooops, oh, no – crap, this is way more important all of a sudden!

Do you understand how parking lots work? If you live here, I doubt it. We spend an inordinate amount of time in parking lots in the US. Nowhere else in the world does this nearly as much as we do. Nowhere else has room for giant, paved, parking lots that can hold 10,000 cars. Aren’t we the lucky ones.

If you are backing out of a parking spot, you do NOT have the right of way. If the cars going straight run into you, that’s your fault and the police will let you know that it’s your fault. Anyone going straight down a lane in a parking lot has the right of way. Consider them to be pedestrians when you are backing out of a spot. If you can’t back out well, back into the parking space so that you can see what you’re doing when it’s time to leave. If you can’t do either of those things, hope for a pull through.

Please enjoy this video, it’s only here because it’s hilariously bad. Don’t be like Auntie…