Part I

1. SLOWER IS SAFER

Yeah, it’s actually not safer to go slower. Virginia has this thing called impeding traffic and it’s actually a moving violation. Aside from dirty looks, honking horns and middle fingers from your fellow commuters, you can also earn yourself 3 demerit points if an officer sees you moving at a snail’s pace. If you think about it, for more than two seconds, you realize that going 45 mph on the Beltway is a danger to you because the guy going the speed limit can’t stop as quickly and won’t be inclined to do you any favors. He’s going to slam into you and it’s probably going to suck because:

Mass x Velocity = Momentum 

That science talk means that it’s going to hurt really bad when the car that hits you is going 65 mph. Plus, you’re going to cause congestion. The Washington suburbanites know traffic well and we all hate it. If you’re causing it, we hate you too.

2. ALWAYS STOP FOR A SCHOOL BUS

If you always stop for a school bus, you’re wrong and you should knock it off. If there’s a median; grass, concrete, a pretty flower bed or any other raised structure marking the middle of the road, you are NOT supposed to stop. In fact, if there’s a median, the school bus has to go to the other side of the road to drop those kids off. You’re erroneously blocking traffic because news reports have frightened you.

Yes, there is a problem with idiots not stopping for school buses on their side of the road. There is also a problem with other idiots stopping when they aren’t supposed to. Don’t be an idiot.

3. YOU MUST TAKE DRIVERS EDUCATION BEFORE YOU GET A LEARNER’S PERMIT

The only thing you need to get a Learner’s Permit in the Commonwealth is to be 15 and 1/2 years old. You’re probably going to also need the DMV Driver’s Manual because the test is based on that. You can pick one of those up at any DMV. We will give you one for free too. Oh look, a free PDF of the Manual. Enjoy it.

Sometimes, even teachers lie to you. Remember that time they told you that Columbus was trying to prove that the world was round in 1492? The globe was invented in 1491. Just an FYI.

Schools want you to take Driver’s Education with them and they will tell you that you have to take Driver’s Education before you get the Learner’s Permit. This seems reasonable, because surely you’d have to take some sort of a class before you take a test at the DMV. Only silly people think that government agencies are reasonable. We northern Virginians work for the government, we know better.

4. YOU HAVE TO HEAT UP THE CAR IN THE WINTER

Do you remember 1975? Yeah, me neither, mostly because I wasn’t born yet and most likely you weren’t either. Back in the olden days, when people rode their brontosauruses to work, they had to go out early and start up the dinosaur so that it had time to get its engine warmed up before it was driven.

In modern vehicles, this is not the case. You get in the car, you turn it on and it’s ready to go. Cars no longer rely on the engine for internal heating either. There’s a separate system for air and heating in your vehicle’s cabin. If your dad is still insisting that you have to let the car get warmed up, tell him that he’s wrong because it’s 2020, and get him to shave off those sideburns too. Yes, we are judging him and he deserves to know.

5. HOLDING THE WHEEL AT 9 O’CLOCK & 3 O’CLOCK IS BEST

Wrong again. In fact, most steering wheels are designed to prevent you from holding them at 9 o’clock and 3 o’clock. That giant bar in the middle of your steering wheel, usually with a bunch of buttons on it, is preventing you from holding the wheel and 9 and 3. It’s also holding a potentially life-saving airbag but we’ll get to that in a moment. Back in the 1990’s instructors started saying that students should hold the wheel at 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock. If this is how you’re comfortable driving, it is still safe to drive in this position but technology and a better understanding of human physiology (yay for science!) means we’ve upgraded.

Now, best practice is to hold the wheel at 8 o’clock and 4 o’clock. There is actually some method to this madness. If you’re in a collision and you’re holding the steering wheel at the bottom, you’re less likely to smack yourself in the face when the airbag deploys. There are horror stories of airbags deploying, forcing the drivers hands into their own faces at great speed, breaking their eyeglasses or sunglasses into their eyeballs and blinding them forever. Yeah, that has actually happened, more than once.

The 8 and 4 position also prevents your arms from crossing over while turning, which in turn prevents you from actually locking your own arms up. You are not a contortionist and should not use the driver’s seat as a place to practice contorting. And if you are a contortionist, you probably need to be at an audition for Cirque Du Soleil, so drive safely.

6. HANDS FREE IS SAFE

There are statistics on how many people get dead because they were using a cell phone to text, talk or generally be distracted while they were supposed to be driving. Those statistics are sad and full of numbers, so we can just assume that you’ve seen them already. Everyone in the world has been saying that you shouldn’t use a phone while driving for so long that it’s led directly to one dumb statement: It’s only safe to use hands free devices while you’re driving.

No, it isn’t. Even having a phone conversation while driving is dangerous. In Washington, DC it’s actually an illegal moving violation to be on any cellular device while driving, that includes hands-free. In Virginia, it is prohibited to use a hands free device in a work-zone. You know, those annoying spots of traffic with all the orange signs, yeah there are loads of things you can’t do in those zones that are normally okay things to do. Seriously, Google it.

If you’ve got an emergency and have to use your cellphone, just pull over. Seriously, there’s a Starbucks every 25 feet in the DC Suburbs and they don’t mind if you use their parking lot. My guess is that text from your buddy about the latest Skins game (protip: it was terrible and the Skins lost) is not that important, but if you’re really itching to feel terrible about the home team, pull over first.